I took a few days off writing about this topic because there were so many ups and downs. I personally couldn’t keep up. I don’t see the point in writing one day that everything is great only to give the complete opposite report the very next day.

It’s too confusing  – even for me.

But my silence is being misinterpreted by many. I am getting email after email congratulating me for getting through the storm. And that just isn’t the case. I just don’t want to do daily updates about what’s going on. Last week, I went to the hospital three different times and had two regular doctor visits at the office. I didn’t write about all of it because it’s just too much.

I am a sharer… so I can understand how everyone is just assuming things have been great. I’m not saying otherwise – so how could anyone expect anything negative?  My original decision to NOT talk about this pregnancy is making me have to talk about it more via email. So, I guess I just have to confuse the heck out of you all and let you know what’s going on as it happens.

Where am I right now? I’m in a good place (relatively speaking of course). I had an appointment on Friday and things looked great. I’m not contracting at all. Doctor was very hopeful.  My cervix went back up to 1.4 from 1 which was an absolute sign of improvement. We still can’t determine what was happening all last week – the cramps I felt obviously had an impact on my cervix but they couldn’t figure out what was happening.

On Wednesday (which I didn’t write about), I went to the hospital because I was feeling pain every 4 minutes for over an hour. We were timing them at around 4:30AM. By 6:30, my doctor told me to get to the hospital. Thankfully, when I got there the cramps had subsided and everything sort of mellowed out. I drank about a GALLON of water and literally haven’t moved off my bed since (except to go to the bathroom of course).

On Wednesday and Thursday I went completely dark. I was so upset and stressed and worried about the whole thing that I even asked Audrey to not call me. And that’s like… CRAZY. I talk to her 650 times a day. At one point, Bill came into the room and said… “what happened to Audrey? why hasn’t she called?” I didn’t want to talk to anyone at all. I barely spoke to Bill. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t blog / email / facebook etc… I just stayed in bed and vegged out. 26 weeks and a few days under my belt – I wasn’t ready to think of the worst case scenario.

It took me to get to a full 27 weeks and to have a positive doctor’s appointment under my belt to lift that cloud. Not that 27 weeks is safe by any means. In fact, no point in a pregnancy is safe. The miracle of birth is truly just that. There are babies born at 27 weeks that end up with no long term disabilities and there are babies that are born at 27 weeks that suffer from brain bleeds which cause a multitude of issues. And then there are babies born at 27 weeks that don’t make it. So, how do you reconcile that?

All these damn forums – I don’t know why I do it to myself? I spend HOURS a day reading these horrific stories. It’s a way to help prepare myself for the worse I suppose. If I equip myself with enough knowledge, then maybe the NICU will be more manageable? At least, that’s what I tell myself. But I think it’s only making me crazier. As if that was possible…

And while I’m being honest, it doesn’t help that most people just don’t understand. Everyone is focusing on me being immobile. Yes, that stinks – not being able to LITERALLY MOVE off my bed. But that’s not the problem. The problem is the baby’s health. The comments I receive don’t upset me because I know that most people just don’t understand – but it’s just hard to keep hearing “enjoy these few weeks”, “I wish I had someone tell me to stay in bed”  or “rest up – you’ll need it”. How can I possible enjoy this? It’s not a joke. Again I want to reiterate – I’m not upset at all. I know that people just don’t understand.

You become hypersensitive when you are on bed rest. Every ache, cramp, contraction sends you in overdrive. Every time I pee, the first thing I do is look at my underwear for blood. People don’t understand living in that state of fear. Every single time, I take a deep breath and look for blood because there’s not a moment in the day that I don’t think I’m going to lose this baby. Try to explain that one to friends and family. Unless you’ve been a high risk pregnant woman, you can’t possible know what that feels like. And believe me – I hope that you never do.

Anyway – today I am fine. So, I will take it. Friday will make 28 weeks which is the first milestone that I would like to hit. I have another appointment on Monday. I’m assuming it will be a good one.  Then I have another appointment on Thursday. See how crazy this is? They are watching me so intently which of course makes me feel safe, but at the same time it gives me a lot of opportunity to hear bad news. I’m always sick the day before and the day of an appointment. If I’m having 2 a week, you can imagine how loopy I can get.

But like I said – we are out of the IC red zone. If I were to deliver today, this boy has a fighting chance. My brain understands that and maybe that’s why I’ve been able to breath a bit easier these last few days.

Sorry this is so long – but I wanted you to understand where I am at this point. Today I am good. I thank you all for your kind words and well wishes. Even though they make me cry every single time I read them. LOL – but it’s a good cry because it makes me feel like I’m not alone.

 

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