Yesterday was a pretty scary day. I didn’t write about it as it was happening because a) I COULDN’T quite frankly and b) I didn’t want to monetize the horrific situation I was going through. If I wrote a post about what was happening as it was happening, then some search engine might have picked up some key terms in my post which would have led to new traffic. New traffic equals additional ad revenue and that would have made me sick to my stomach.
So, instead I just did some minor updates on my Facebook and Twitter accounts and kept it at that. I also made a mental note of blogs that DID write updates on what happened yesterday and I will never read them again.
Click here to read what happened. Again – I’m not going to write any keywords about it.
But I will say this. The days leading up to yesterday were weighing very heavily on me. My workload has been extremely unmanageable lately. I am constantly frazzled and scrambling to hit deadlines after having Caleb and the month of September has been spent silently having a mental breakdown. Or not so silently if you are my husband.
Prior to baby number three, I had a schedule in place. I would work 5 hours a day heads down. This was in place forever and it helped my business run effortlessly. Kids were at school and I would knock everything out during the day basically before lunch. But now I can’t do that anymore and everything is choppy and thrown together whenever I have a minute which makes me crazy. I don’t function well when there’s no order. I need things to be done a certain way and it’s just not happening that way which makes this already unstable woman a little crazy.
It also all falls on my shoulders and after a while I just don’t want the responsibility anymore. Sometimes I just want to wake up and be a mom. I don’t want to have to check my calendar and see what 15 things are due that day. I just want to play with my baby, do a load of laundry and cook a nice dinner. But that hasn’t been my life for 9 years now. And I’m cracking from the inside out.
But then yesterday happened and suddenly everything that I thought was so very important and so very serious and so very “life” threatening meant nothing. Helicopters swirling constantly around my house and the thought that my children were frightened and surrounded by police officers without a chance for me to get near them had me… immobile.
All the things that I’ve been breaking down over became leaves in the wind. Non-issues. Stressless. Unimportant. Not even on the list of concerns because nothing can compare to the overwhelming need I had to get my children home into my house and safely in my arms. That was it. That was what was important. My family. And all this time that I’ve spending harping over such nonsense – I know can register was simply wasted energy.
Today is a new day. And I truly mean it because I have felt a new low – an “almost loss” – and I really believe I will never let work bring me to such a vulnerable place again. Because it can never have such a hold on me when there is a day like yesterday to compare it to.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. But going through a hard time really does give you perspective. It shakes you straight. And I didn’t necessarily want something like yesterday to happen – but now that it has I feel like a lesson has come out of it. And isn’t that what life is all about?