Daily Diary: Finally Got To Hold My Baby Again And Pushing Back On Some Inner Demons
Yesterday was the first day that we felt it was safe for me to hold Mr. Caleb. It felt like about a week since I had him in my arms because I was away in LA and then I got very sick with the flu. There was a quick day in between where I did get to be with him – but we don’t remember the good things, right? Just the bad.
The entire time I was in bed with the flu, I heard Natalie and Liam playing with Caleb and making him laugh while I remained quarantined in bed.
It made remember my time on bed rest and how isolating that was. All those months in that bed. It was very depressing actually. I started to feel like a bad mother – a neglectful mother. Like my kids would somehow not need me because – once again – I was unable to care for my children. And the thoughts grew deeper and darker and I thought if I just went away today they would be completely fine without me because look at how they are all just so used to me being sick.
And so I just stayed in bed and I cried which of course made my head worse. Our minds are our worst enemies — are they not? I still hold so much guilt for being on bed rest for all those months. I still hold so much guilt for so many things in my life I suppose. Why we hold onto it all is beyond me??? But all it takes is something small like a cold to open up a crack just wide enough to let a tiny memory out … and it can simply ruin you.
So, I was just waiting for the moment to hold my baby. I needed to hold him to make it right. To show him that I was still here and that I am always going to be here. And when I did – I whispered a few promises into his ear and he nodded his head like he understood me. I squeezed Caleb so tight and grabbed every toy I could and we played until he fell asleep. And I reminded myself that without bed rest this little boy wouldn’t be here today. That journey was worth every step and our family is whole because of it. Sometimes you just need to say these things out loud to remind yourself …
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September 26, 2016
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