A few days ago I attended Trapeze School with TD Bank. If you read the post, you know that I couldn’t go through with it. When one of the instructors was trying to convince me to go he told me the event wasn’t really about the act – it was more about trust. He said I had to trust that the instructors wouldn’t let me fall and I had to control the fear I had around them letting me go. It kind of struck a nerve with me. I couldn’t for the LIFE of me trust that they had me. We even did it on the floor first to try it all out and I was FREAKING out that he would drop me – ON THE FLOOR. If I fell, I fell. I would have been just fine, but I couldn’t put all my faith into him and that has been sitting me with for the past few days.

We’ve all been burned before right? We’ve all made bad choices in our lives and aligned ourselves with people who perhaps we shouldn’t have. We’ve all been lied to, ignored, dismissed and mistreated… but life goes on and we have to (at one point) let go of it all.

This may sound really strange – but I kind of view myself as two different people – post and pre Bill. Meeting and marrying Bill was really a changing point in my life. Prior to him I was in a TERRIBLE relationship – someone who cheated on me with almost all of my “friends”, took me for granted, mentally abused me, could really care less about me as a person – and I stayed with him for 4 years. 4 YEARS of all of that drama. When I would drive with him in a car, I would scan the street FOR HIM walking with another girl. It was so bizarre but even though I KNEW he couldn’t be cheating on me at that moment, my mind couldn’t stop being paranoid. The day we broke up he was screaming at me calling me all types of names and accusing me of sleeping with his friend. It was at that moment that a light turned on in my brain and I just let him go. I wasn’t sad or angry. I was done.

Then I didn’t date for 2 years – not one person. Not one kiss. Most of my college years was spent hanging out with my friends and not even THINKING about men. I needed to find myself again because I was so lost for so long. Eventually, I met Bill and I had NEVER dated anyone like him. He… loved me – as in the true sense of the word. We’ve been together for 12 years now and he has truly made me a better person.

But all this time later I still feel guilty that I put myself through such an ordeal. It’s like my new self is punishing me for what I allowed to happen to my old self. I have a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally and two very beautiful and healthy children, but when things get quiet – I start to remember and the guilt begins to consume me. Still after all this time, I guess I’m not ready to unconditionally trust because the closest people in my life had all been so untrustworthy.{Editor’s note: I’m leaving out a lot of details – but just know there were multiple people in my life who mistreated me. Pinning this all on one relationship would be unfair. There are parts of my life that will never be spoken of out loud – those are also included in this realization.}

Well last night I thought about what benefit I was receiving from holding onto all this guilt and sadness. And obviously… there is no benefit. It’s toxic and unnecessary. It’s harmful and too heavy to carry around any more. I think it’s time to let go of it all. Today is a new day and whatever happened yesterday is just a thing of the past.I know it won’t be that easy to do, but at least I understand that it has to be done. If I catch myself going to that dark place, I now know enough to smack myself in the head and snap out of it. Life is good.

How do you deal with forgiveness? Are you easily able to let stuff go?

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